Ball Gowns and Black Shoes

My partner A., who is kind of a big shot, well maybe not a big shot, but medium shot lawyer in DC, has been trying to score us some tickets for an inaugural ball next month. Of course, this inauguration, unlike any other inauguration in recent history, is sold out. I mean seriously sold out. Balls are not really my thing, and you can interpret that statement to mean whatever you like, but this ball is different. It's not the historic aspect of the election that impresses me, I'm pretty old, and I've lived through a lot of history, it's the fact that Washington has lived through 8 years of Republican misery, and after all of that misery, a celebration is required. And not just some party with cheesey poofs and Bud Lite, this event warrants some serious partying.

So A., after scouring the city, and coming up with no tickets, decided that we should pay the hefty price tag for the HRC ball, or more commonly known as THE GAY BALL. I usually hate charity events, not the cause, I know that gay rights have to be paid for, the straight people are not going to just hand over equality, I just hate the stuffy Washington crowd that attends these events. These things are attended by power players, older wealthy gay men with their young dates, and power dykes, usually lawyers, who talk all night about "Blank vs. Blank Blank", a case history from ten years ago. I always drink too much at these things, because I spend the whole night talking to the bartender so that I don't have to listen to the details of the Supreme Court decision on Lawrence vs. Texas, which, even though the decision was 6 years ago, it was probably the last time the Supreme Court ruled in the favor of gay Americans. Can you believe it took until 2003 for the highest court in the country to decide that gay people should be able to have sex in the privacy of their bedrooms without risking arrest?

I told you civil rights are expensive.

So my partner A. got the tickets, and now I have to figure out what to wear. The tickets say formal, or festive. Formal I get, it's either a long ass dress with a plunging neckline, and no back, and I'll have the added hassle of trying to find a bra with no straps, and freezing my ass off. Festive...I'm not sure...does it mean holiday attire? A Santa Clause suit? Is festive a secret gay code for anything with sequins? Should I rent a tux, and blend in with the waiters? And oh mi god, what about the shoes?

Obviously, I need some fashion advice.

But when it comes to a celebration, no one is more qualified.

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