Happy Freakin Holidays

I was at work yesterday making a display of holiday candy. I was feeling pretty festive, unpacking Godiva and Girdhelli chocolates in shiny packages. I had even dropped a box of Peppermint Bark on the floor, and broken the squares into tiny bits (with the help of my foot) so that I was forced to list it on the waste sheet and eat it. A woman stopped to admire my display, and informed me that I had made a mistake. It was improper for me to put the Hannuka candy next to the Christmas candy. When I asked her why, she just looked at me and told me it was a sin.

I was nearly done with the thirty cases of chocolates, so I wasn't really in the mood to dismantle the whole display. I rearranged it so that the Hannuka boxes were on one side, and the Christmas boxes were on the other side, and I left a wide space so that they wouldn't touch. As an atheist, I didn't really believe that the melding of religions would send me to an eternity spent in both religious versions of hell, but I wasn't really eager to take any chances.

I was really glad that Godiva didn't send us any Kwanza candy, cause I'm not sure if I had enough retail space to make another display.

After I had finished my work, and had eaten all of the fragile Swiss chocolate ornaments that I accidentally crushed beneath four cases of bottled water (I didn't see them, I swear!), I was hanging the sale signs that read: Holiday Savings! or Holiday Buy One Get One Free! or Order Your Holiday Feast Today. A mean looking guy stopped me and said,

"You're trying to take Jesus out of Christmas."

"No, I'm not, there is no chocolate Jesus here, and if you're telling me that I moved him away from the chocolate dreidels, you're crazy!"

"You secular people! It's a conspiracy! You don't want Christians to offend anyone, so instead of Christmas, you call it Holiday."

"Sir that's not true. This year, Christmas and Hannuka fall on the same day. I think that means that the Apocalypse is coming."

The man gasped and ran off.

Look, it's easier to wish someone a happy holiday than asking the awkward question of faith. Personally I don't care. I'd much rather instead of saying happy holidays, say something like, peace, chocolate, and I hope you get laid. I don't call a Christmas tree a holiday tree, and I don't call a Menorah a holiday candelabra. It's the crazy Christians again who are bitching about taking Christ out of Christmas (okay once when I was 16, I did steal the baby Jesus out of the Nativity scene from the local church, but I put him back the next day) and you know why people try to take Christ out of Christmas? Because we're tired of these freaks telling us what to do. REal Christians are tired of being associated with crazy hateful people. They try to dictate every aspect of your life. How to live, who to love, preaching abstinence! Abstinence will turn you into one of those people who speak in tongues. Lack of sex can make you stutter, have visions, and make you cranky. It's not healthy. And there is nothing better than Christmas sex. Fireplace burning, a good bottle of wine, underneath the tree....five lords a leaping.....ten maids a milking.....

So the next time you have to utter one of those tired holiday greetings, say this instead.

Peace, chocolate, and I hope you get laid.

Soon.

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