Big Gurls With Tattoos

I wasn't really a basketball fan before the birth of the WNBA. When I lived in Chicago, I saw all of the six championship games back when Chicago had Michael and Scotty and Phil. I never went to a game in Chicago, men's basketball was always sold out, and even if there was a ticket available, I couldn't afford it. I would watch the NBA final game on the floor of my living room in my condo on the North Side, because as soon as the final buzzer sounded, I had to get out of the line of fire of the celebratory gun shots. I'm not sure why Chicagoans celebrate with guns, but it happened every New Years Eve, and every time the Bulls won the championships, so I just figured that it was normal. My earliest basketball memories are of loud noises, and Chicago hot dogs eaten crouching in the farthest corner from the window.

The first professional basketball game I ever attended in person was the debut of the Washington Mystics. My partner A. had decided that since the new professional women's league would not survive unless women supported it, we bought season's tickets. A. kind of plans my social life for me, because if she didn't, I would just work continuously. The tickets were a total bargain, it comes to about 8 bucks per game, and the seats are great. The games are fun, you get to eat hot dogs and drink beer and watch big women with tattoos run around and flex their muscles. To me, there is nothing more sexy than a big strong woman. Skinny gurls like Jennifer Aniston do nothing for me. She can't block shots, she can't hit free throws, and her ribs stick out in an unattractive way. Ann Coulter is another skinny bitch with no boobs, but she is just so unpleasant on so many different levels, that even if you put duct tape over her mouth so that she couldn't say anything offensive, sleeping with her would still feel like you were fucking a two by four. (oops. I don't think I was supposed to say that.)

Okay, so back to those gurls with tattoos.

My favorite WNBA player is Tina Thompson of the Houston Comets. There are reasons that I love her, mostly because I have for years watched her win and loose with skill and grace, but also because she's got a great ass and big shoulders, and could probably pick up Ann Coulter by one of the spaghetti straps of her black cocktail dress and toss her out the nearest exit. Tina Thompson doesn't have a visible tattoo, but I think she is waiting to meet me, and I will then convince her to get a Tankwoman tattoo around that lovely bicep.

I've had season's tickets for the Mystics for like as long as they've been around. And while I've never gotten to celebrate a championship for them on the floor of my living room, (Washington would never even know if a women's team won a championship, there would be virtually no press coverage) the investment in professional women's sports pays off in many ways. Not only do I get to see Tina Thompson up close and personal from my affordable seats, the Mystics aren't bad looking either. And honestly, taking your kids to watch women who are not trying to marry a millionaire, or get an extreme make-over might be better for them and you in the long run. A make-over costs about $300 bucks, but you can purchase a basketball for about $30. If your kid is on the basketball court, and not using the make-over to attract those awful teenage boys, the difference between a basketball and an unexpected grandchild is huge.

There are great role models for gurls today. Encourage sports.

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