Too Much on the Menu

I've always thought that there were too many flavors of religion on the menu. I think that life would be much simpler if like God would just show up one day, say on one of the morning shows, or on CBS nightly news and sit down next to Catie Couric, and spell it out for us. Or why not have God on American Idol? Give us the ten commandments right from the source, and then perform some miracle, and be done with it. As things stand today, no one can be sure what to believe. You can be Jewish, and disagree with members of your own faith, depending on whether you're Orthodox or Reformed. You can be Muslim, and still want to kill other Muslims because they're not Sunni or Shiite. Catholics and Protestants have warred for centuries, and hopefully now they have tired of it. You can be a Christian, but a Baptist is completely different from a Lutheran, or you could be a Latter Day Saint, or a Jehovah's Witness, or a Scientologist, or a Methodist. How about Hindu? or Buddhist? If you aren't taught the rules at a young age, and you are left to choose from the menu, maybe you just have to pick one, study the rules, and stick with it. All the menu options claim to be the one true faith, and all promise to get you to heaven or nirvana, or paradise if you follow the rules, so how is one to know which is right, and which is best?

Maybe all are true, or maybe none are true. And unless God shows up on CBS nightly news with Catie Couric, we'll never know.

For those of us in the catering business, all of the different religious holidays present their own unique problems. It would be so much easier and streamlined if there were only just one. From September to the beginning of January, there are countless religious holidays, one seems to happen right after the other with no break in between. Ramadan is the best for us caterers, because no one eats anything. But seriously, making thousands of latkes, and chopping liver until you think your arms might fall off, is tough. This weekend, I ran out of latkes at 4 pm on the first night of Hanukkah, so I spent four brutal hours shredding potatoes, chopping onions, and standing over a deep fryer. I would get my sheet pan full of latkes, and moments later, a customer would come in and purchase 2 dozen, and I would stare at the remaining six pathetic potato pancakes until I filled up my sheet pan again. I prayed to Jesus to bless my sad little six latkes and turn them into thousands of baskets of bread and fish. But Jesus is the wrong guy to pray to on Hanukkah, and so I was stuck cooking until my store closed and people who waited till the last minute to buy latkes from an atheist, had to go to the diner down the street and bring home hash browns.

Neither one was Kosher. But my latkes kicked ass.

If we ever figure out what the one true religion is, I think the dish for all holidays should be rice. Or beans. It's simple. You put them in water. You add whatever garnish or flavor you choose. You cook them in massive quantities. There is no peeling or dicing. There should be no need to get them blessed by a rabbi or a priest.

At some point, we should all sit down at the same table to share the same meal and be greatful that the meal is on the table.

Happy Holidays to All.

Tankwoman

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