New Weapons in the War On Terror

In an effort to turn the tide in the War on Terror (WOT) the justice department is taking a play out of its playbook with Wal-Mart. Attorney General, Alberto Gonzalez, informed the press today that these new techniques which have been used so effectively against the number one corporate criminal, Wal-Mart, will now be used in the WOT. If all goes well, we will soon see these techniques in use by local law enforcement, the DEA, and the FBI.

The first revolutionary technique to be utilized in the WOT is the "advanced warning of the suspected bad guy." Previously in law enforcement the "bad guy" was usually the last one to know that he was a suspect. "That's outdated thinking, " according to Gonzalez. "Instead of just barging into someone's residence we're going to do the right thing by letting them know we're coming over on such and such a day and time. It will help us avoid a lot of awkward and often scary situations," he said.

A Department of Labor spokesman said that they've had enormous success with this technique against Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart's criminal activity is way down," said Bob Weaver, the Department of Labor employee in charge of letting Wal-Mart know that they are suspected of a crime. "We call them and let them know we're coming down to check their books for overtime violations or what not and I'll be damned if we don't get down there and find everything just the way we'd like it. Wal-Mart has really cleaned up its act."


Opponents claim that by giving alleged "bad guys" advanced warning they will just clear their tracks or take off running. An employee at the Department of Labor, who wished to remain nameless, said that giving the "bad guys" advanced warning was "lunacy."

The other new tool in the WOT will be the new punishment mechanisms. Attorney General Gonzalez explained that "the real problem we have now is that is entirely too expensive to house all the inmates we have. Instead of sending people off to prison," he said, "we'll just charge them a relatively small fine and absolve them of any wrong doing." Supporters point out that we could pay down our debts in no time with the influx of new revenue.

Opponents, however, point out that those new sources of revenue would be needed to replace the stuff the terrorists blow up. Even supporters of the technique admit that it's hard to estimate how much stuff those "bad guys" could blow up at any given time. Furthermore, opponents argue that by merely charging a fine it could potentially put a lot of lawyers out of work.

One Army spokesman pointed out that if they find Osama bin Laden they will let him know he's a suspected terrorist and that they plan on paying him a visit in his cave. If we actually ever caught him he could afford to pay quite a high fine.

No matter what side of the aisle you're on, we can all agree that we need to try new and different ideas in the WOT. Hopefully these new techniques which have been used so effectively to fight corporate crime, will be of value in our WOT.

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