Too Much Crunch in My Cereal

These last weeks of March and the first couple of weeks of April are my least favorite time of year. We have had a taste of spring and warm weather, and from my window, I can see my hydrangeas poking out of the ground miraculously in bloom. I would love nothing more right now than to be out admiring the buds, digging up weeds, (unlike my BIF Marigolds, I don't touch the worms, and I shriek every time an insect crawls on me) but it freakin snowed yesterday, and today it's barely above 40 degrees. It's driving me a little crazy looking at all of the trees in bloom, and not being able to go out and play.

There are a hundred things I should be doing right now, I have 100 lonely socks sitting in a pathetic pile on the couch waiting to be joined up with mates. My taxes need to be filed. There is that waxy yellow build up on the kitchen floor. I feel like staring blankly at the TV, but it's daytime, and the content is stupid and offensive. I'm sick of winter, I'm sick of Washington, I hate reading the same bad news every day and then rehashing it on the Internet. I want to be in South Beach eating a ripe mango and watching hot Spanish women walk down the street. Right now I'd even settle for L.A. Warm weather, mindless shopping, and far away from DC.

L.A.......

LA! Oh hey! I forgot, my partner T-voed the L Word for me. I haven't seen any of the shows this season, and all I have to do is push a button, and I can pull up any episode I choose, all full of hot women, mindlessly trendy and shallow. Just what I need on a day like today.

So I get out the 3 remotes and I'm looking at the descriptions of the shows, and I realize that I haven't seen any of the new episodes because they're all lame. The main character, Crazy Jenny is having severe depression and is cutting herself. In the next show, she leaves therapy and takes up with a woman who is transitioning to a man. The only funny character, Alice, has turned into a nutcase, taking handfulls of anti-depressants, and stalking her ex. The boring couple, Tina and Whats Her Name now have a baby and one of them decides to go straight, while the other goes to Camp Buddha and walks around in meditation circles all day. The L Word, the only series about lesbians, has gotten political and preachy. What happened to all of the hot action? What happened to the humor? And even if there were some hot action, the characters are so annoyingly flawed and trapped in unhappiness, that they are unattractive. If I want to see unhappy people struggling with cancer or cutting themselves, I can watch Oprah. If you're going to create fictional characters, can't some of them be strong well-adjusted women? Why do we insist on making heroes out of women who suffer? Why do strong women always get cancer and die at the end? In fiction, we don't make men do that, the strong ones survive, the winners get to go to Disney World and make millions in Nike endorsements.

Look, most of the time I am a good lesbian, I eat my granola because I know it's healthy. I go to the cancer benefits, I participate in the AIDS walks, I do all of that stuff not just because it's PC, but because I believe in those causes. But does it have to be toasted oat bran and tofu everyday? Can't someone just give me a big old plate of Belgium Waffles?

Don't skimp on the syrup, and I want extra whipped cream.

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