Bush's Nominee for Surgeon General

In the modern day trend to replace science with religion, if you've got Jesus, you're covered, but if you're like me, you have to rely on not so modern medicine and a health care system that works only if you can afford it. Hey, I'm all for miracles, and faith healing if it works. What the hell do I know, I don't have a medical degree, or a theological degree, but I'm pretty sure that if I get colon cancer, and I press my booty against the TV screen, the televangelist is not going to cure my cancer, no matter how hard he prays over my ass. I'll take my chances with the chemo, thank you.

Of all the ailments that I struggle with, being gay is not one that I find troubling. I have a bum knee, I am prone to sudden weight gain from eating too much chocolate. I have dry patches of skin and sun damage on my face. I get sad in the winter when there is not enough sunlight. Being born with a medical condition that makes me attracted to members of the same sex does not really bother me. In fact, it is advantageous for me financially to be a lesbian. I don't have to have manicures, because I don't have nails, I don't have to spend hours on my hair, because it's cut short, and I don't have to get a prescription for birth control pills. I don't have to spend hours reading those Vogue magazines, learning the 10 ways to improve your sex life, mine is pretty good. If I want kids, I can choose to have them, there are no accidents.

Here is the President's choice for the foremost doctor in the country.

LEXINGTON, Ky. — President Bush's nominee for surgeon general, Kentucky cardiologist Dr. James Holsinger, has come under fire from gay rights groups for voting to expel a lesbian pastor from the United Methodist Church and writing in 1991 that gay sex is unnatural and unhealthy.

And he would also like to cure me of my annoying homosexuality.

A professor of health sciences at the University of Kentucky, Holsinger also moonlights as a man of the cloth: He holds a degree in biblical studies from Asbury Theological Seminary and he founded Hope Springs Community Church, a "recovery ministry" targeting alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts and those other dangerous diseased addicts -- you guessed it -- homosexuals.

Look, I've tried men. It just didn't take. I think Dr. Holsinger might better spend his time on something like asthma or the common cold.

The Surgeon General is supposed to be the leading authority on matters of public health. There are so many other issues that Dr. Holsinger should be worried about. What about the unsafe water we drink? What about the poor air quality in American cities? How about the children who get vaccinated frequently, and with the protection from childhood diseases, they get the added benefit of a hefty dose of mercury? I've gotta tell ya, I've been gay forever, and I've got 4 sisters, and they never caught it. It's not contagious, trust me, I've tried to give it to lots of straight women.

There are plenty of qualified doctors that we can turn to when we are sick. There are smart people in this country who practice medicine, and not some kind of voodoo.

We don't need the ones who want to cure already healthy Americans.

| +Save/Share | |